I'm flashing back to my childhood right now because it's 1:57 in the morning and I'm sitting in the dark at a computer, listening to music through my headphones and drinking relaxing tea and doing nothing on the internet, wishing I could sleep but secretly happy that I can't. I'm pretty certain I spent nearly every night for my first seventeen or so years of life doing exactly this. Only back then I was sitting in my mom's big swivel leather desk chair at her big gray desktop computer in my parents' house in New Jersey, and now I'm curled up on the couch on my laptop in my boyfriend's and my apartment in Atlanta.
This blog is an exercise. I'm not a writer but I love to write and I haven't been doing much of that lately. So when my boyfriend and I decided to move to Atlanta for a year (because I wanted to move to a city and that's the city he's lived in most of his life), I decided to promise myself to write every day for the year in my journal. It would be fun! And good for my brain! Yay writing! Except then I realized that I'm a slacker through and through and I would think about writing in my journal every day and then never ever do it, not even once probably. So while I am fully aware that this blog will almost certainly never be read by anyone (and I'm not telling anyone I know about it to make sure it stays that way, and to make sure I don't censor anything or subconsciously write for certain people or whatever), the mere possibility that it could be read by anyone at all is what will keep me posting every day. It's like exercising with a friend every day, only instead of exercising it's sitting on a couch typing and instead of a friend it's the whole entire world wide web, or more likely no one. I have no idea what I'll write about, if I want there to be a theme or a central topic or if I want this to be in story format or journal format or if I'll make up things to write about or if I'll even get anything out of the experience besides 365 posts full of ill-conceived nonsense. I guess I'll figure it out, or I won't.
But if you do happen to be reading this, here are some things you might want to know about me because I'm sure they'll come up later and I wouldn't want you, dear reader, to be confused.
STUFF ABOUT ME
- I play the violin mediocre-ly, and this year is really about preparing for, applying to and auditioning for graduate schools so I can get my master's of music in violin performance and hopefully go teach and play somewhere. The goal is to play less mediocre-ly and more awesome-ly.
-My boyfriend (who I'll come up with a code name for eventually, or something) and I have been together two and a half years, and we've been living together for a year of that. He's very important to me and I love him dearly and I don't know if I want us to be together after this year or not. We also have a dog who is the love of our lives.
-I work for a coffee corporation making almost minimum wage, so I pretty much can never afford to do anything. I know I could probably go wait tables somewhere and make much better money but I hate waiting tables so much that I'd rather live in abject poverty. Okay, not exactly abject poverty. Mediocre poverty. Is that even a thing?
-I used to like to think that I had very complicated, advanced, intellectual religious beliefs and worldviews that were a combination of at least six different world religions. But then I started reading about Buddhism and realized that everything I thought I had discovered by myself had already been discovered way better billions of years ago by lots of awesome Indian people, who also discovered lots of other way better amazing things that I never even thought about. So now I'm Buddhist, except I haven't taken refuge in the Three Jewels like Buddhists are supposed to. It's still too much of a commitment for me. Probably some day soon-ish, though.
-My parents and I have very complex relationships that we'll be working on for our whole lives. I wouldn't say it's very dysfunctional any more, but it definitely was for most of my life. Consequentially, I have some psychological shit I've been working through for a while, mostly anxiety in different forms, plus some genetic stuff like OCD, etc. Thanks to a fantastic (ex)therapist and fantastic friends and Buddhism and music and life, at this moment I'm in the best psychological place I think I've ever been in in my life. Except maybe when I was very little and everything seemed so amazing and so simple.
I've already slacked a little bit because I wanted to start this blog the day we moved in, August first. Should I have capitalized that "first"? But then we didn't have internet and every time I went to the cafe down the street to use their free wifi I had twenty-six other things to do online and blogging never crossed my mind. So even though we've lived here for ten days I'm deciding today is Day One of this 365-day blog. (There are 365 days in a year, right?) The album I was listening to is over now so I'll stop here, go watch some Hey Arnold on Netflix (which we just got two days ago and is arguably man's greatest invention since Post-It notes except now I'm afraid I'll never read), and hopefully fall asleep after that. If you're reading, whoever you are, hope you can get some good sleep too.
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